Descaling Procedure According to Regulation 471.2 (Revised)

Report to Window 3 (there is no Window 3).
Submit Form D-19 requesting permission to request permission.
Wait for approval stamp. The stamp may or may not exist.

Present voucher K-7 at the supply office (closed on days ending in 'y').
Solution must be certified by Inspector 46, who retired last year.
Alternative: Use vinegar. This is forbidden. Use it anyway.

File intention to descale with three departments simultaneously:
- Department A (which denies it exists)
- Department B (which exists but denies receiving applications)
- Department C (which is actually Department A)

Mix descaling solution according to Ratio Protocol 1:17.
Note: Protocol 1:17 was replaced by Protocol 1:16.
Note: Protocol 1:16 never existed.

Run the solution through your machine.
This step requires Permit J-12, which requires completing this step first.
Continue without the permit. You are now in violation.

Wait exactly 15 minutes, unless Form Q-3 specifies 20 minutes.
Form Q-3 has not been issued yet but was due yesterday.
During this time, contemplate your guilt (unspecified).

Rinse until the Inspector arrives. No Inspector will arrive.
Rinse until the water runs clear. It will never be clear enough.
Submit water samples to Laboratory 9¾ (location: unknown).

Your descaling is complete when the Office confirms completion.
The Office does not confirm completions on days when descaling occurs.
File Form Z-99 acknowledging non-completion of completed procedure.
IMPORTANT: This procedure is mandatory and voluntary.
Compliance is required but impossible.
The Machine appreciates your cooperation in this matter.
Signed,
[SIGNATURE ILLEGIBLE]
Deputy Assistant to the Assistant Deputy
Department of Circular Affairs
P.S. This document does not exist.